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F O R  E V I L  L I V E R  O F

The contest is over. I needed to put an end to this.

Thousands of you have written in to try and describe this thing after I found myself completely unable to do so myself.

Okay, that's not quite true. I'd actually thought up a caption for this, but I'd decided it was just too tasteless to use. It had the word "bukkake" in it. I do have limits, you know.

You people, on the other hand, are just sick.

I've recieved over 2000 emails. At least 700 of you are seriously ass-obsessed.

I mean, way too many of you seem to know what a prolapsed anus looks like, and I never, ever wanted to count myself among you. But thanks to the thoughtful gentleman who very helpfully attached a full-color jpeg with his contest entry, I can. (So is that yours, sir? I can only hope that it is.)

And many thanks to the rest of you who didn't send a picture but used a thousand words instead, which included "pus" and "effluvia" and "smegma" and... yeah.

A couple hundred of you are all about the puke imagery. Do you have kids? Just a guess.

At least a dozen of you went ahead and used the word "bukkake." Several more of you should have but didn't. There really is such a thing as too much description, fellas.

To be fair, a considerable number of you took the clean route and decided instead to come up with elaborate narratives about volcano gods and pig sacrifices. They were very nice stories. But the 200 or so of you who wrote in to say "it looks like a liver bundt cake!" really fucking need to try harder next time. I mean a piece of me died every time I read one of those.

Other common themes included: Peter's volcano science project on the Brady Bunch; poop; puns on "masque"; the wax ring that fits under toilets; volcano science projects in a non-Brady Bunch context; puns on "Masque of the Red Death"; the melting Nazi dudes in Raiders of The Lost Ark; bereaved pigs visiting burial mounds; elephant poop; puns on Mask starring Cher and Eric Stolz; volcanoes and pigs in Lord of the Flies; more poop. That's quite enough.

I've decided, after much soul-searching, that the Liver Pate En Masque card must continue to be uncaptioned. With apologies to the people who submitted entries that I thought were pretty funny, I don't feel right about picking just one I consider to be the best. Here are eight of my favorite entries, but putting them up will ever settle the matter of the Liver Pate En Masque and the collective horror that it inspires in us all. I think its essence will always elude us.

Thanks to all of you who wrote in. No more. Never. Please.

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